How did my body get so old when my brain is sharper than ever?

I’m 58 years old. I was born on the day that The Beatles played Carnegie Hall to 2900 people, had two songs in the Top 10 with “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” being #1, and later that week they would play their famous US TV debut on The Ed Sullivan Show. JFK had been assassinated a few months earlier, and LBJ had become president — truly interesting times.

In 1964, 58 years old was considered to be late middle age — people were already transitioning to or had transitioned to empty nesters, and you had probably achieved the most you could in your job/career 10 years earlier. Winding down and looking forward to the day that you could kick you feet up and spend the remaining 15–20 years of your life living off of the fruits of your labors. Life expectancy back then in Canada was just under 72 years so making statutory retirement age 65 years old meant that you were only drawing pension for 7 years… Better enjoy those years since its all downhill starting at 50.

To close on my introductory footnote — today, life expectancy in the US is about 79 years. We can argue about all the factors that have effected this improvement but that’s not the point of this essay.

I want to know what the hell happened to the body I had just a few years ago?

Seven years ago I was going to the YMCA daily, doing just over an hour split between 45 minutes on the stationary bike and getting my heart rate up to around 155 bpm, and then 20 minutes of free weights. I was feeling really quite good, I could mow my 1/4 acre lawn each week in about an hour which included a pretty steep 6–7 foot slope across the front of the house. I was still capable of running a couple blocks for the bus if I saw it coming (we were in Seattle at the time — very hilly place), and walking up and down the large hills in Downtown Seattle didn’t cause me any problems. Then came the onslaught of health issues…

• Heart Attack — June 2015–3 on 3 basketball tournament in very hot weather
• Cardiac Flutter/Atrial Fibrillation — Aug-Oct 2015 — discovered during cardiac rehab for the heart attack, required cardiac ablation procedure
• kidney stone — January 2017 — passed but extremely painful
• gangrenous gall bladder — Sept 2019 — emergency removal of the gall bladder
• late Stage 1 prostate cancer — Mar-Sept 2021 plus recovery — discovered during routine annual exam and blood testing. Radical Prostatectomy — Gleason score 9 (pretty bad). Still recovering, certain functionality impaired

Seven years ago I felt great, today I wonder who the hell took my real body and left me with this second hand piece of crap?? The effects of each of these issues took years from me, and each subsequent one compounded the effects of the time before. I definitely feel like I’ve gotten old before my time, and its upsetting in a very real and demoralizing way.

The irony is that my mind is as crisp and agile as ever, in the best condition of my life. I’m on an upward career trajectory at a time in my life when most people have assumed they’ve reached their potential — and I’m actually a very sought after candidate for many of the famous companies most every tech person aspires to work at. I have a very rapid recall of conversations and items discussed in meetings, I can visualize the workflows and code paths in the features, services and applications being developed, and my great superpower is to bring calm to my teams when things look like they’re on the verge of blowing up. When a huge project requiring someone who is calm in the midst of a storm — they call me.

But being sharp of mind while watching your corporeal self fade away is disconcerting. I am left to consider how much time do I actually have left, how much of it will be productive, and what do I need to do before the inevitable happens.

I’ve published recordings of my original musical compositions featuring very respected musicians and talented artists to great reviews. I was very lucky to have taken part in producing several groundbreaking products that changed in some way how we use and perceive computers and computing in general. I have three fine very intelligent sons and an equally intelligent woman who is my wife and partner — they all challenge me to be a better person every day.

I have proclaimed myself a polymath and feel I have the right to do so as I’ve rebuilt car engines, built homes and other structures, handcraft guitars, write poetry and prose, enjoy fishing and the quiet patience needed, study astrophysics in my spare time… So long as you learn something new every day then it is not a day wasted. Also, the day you stop learning is the day you are no longer breathing. Idle minds waste away and you can keep yourself sharp by keeping yourself engaged. The same cant be said for the body…

Looking back, I believe and I feel profoundly lucky to have had such an interesting life and excellent people around me. If this is the start of the gradual decline for me, I wish I would have known about this much earlier as I would have taken more advantage of life in a physical way. But when we all leave this world eventually we will have things on our list that we wish we would have done, and that’s just a fact.

My dad passed away in July 2020– 91 years old just two weeks shy of 92. The last words he said to my mom were “I didn’t realize it would happen so fast”. I think those words dont just apply to the last few months and the quick physical decline, they really apply to life in general. When we’re young we think we have all the time in the world to do everything that we want and need to do. When you get to that point when your body isn’t doing what you want and need it to do — you realize just how quickly time has flown and it’s a real and tangible shock. You remember something that you did, or an event, a place and time, a song, the exhilaration of achievement, the shame and disappointment of failure… and it feels like it just happened. But when you try to put it into context you realize that was 35 years ago and you are floored by that fact. The mind plays tricks on you in that way, but the body reminds you of how much time has passed…

I guess I need to find things to affect and schools of thought to impact that wont require the strongest of bodies to complete. Stephen Hawking found ways around his profound physical limitations to be impactful right up until his body gave out. I’m sure even with his profound understanding of the fabric of time he must have thought as the end came “I didn’t realize it would happen so fast…” None of us do.