The Outwardly Art of Introspection
Or — How can I finally embrace and rely on my strengths and instincts?
Background
I am an introvert.
All my life, I have been an introvert.
Disguised in a cloak of extrovertism, having a wonderful talent for faking it by finding a way to just barely fit in with the people I keep company with, but still not entirely cloaking my quirkyness either through intention to appear genuine, or simply because I am not talented enough to entirely subvert my personality to fit the crowd.
In my career, I was happiest when I could cheerfully greet people as I arrived at 8 am, grab my caffeinated beverage and go to my office, shut the door and focus on one or many tasks I’d assigned myself for that day. I open the door to go to the bathroom (thanks to coffee, that was scheduled every day at 9:45 am); open it again at 11:45 am to get to the cafeteria to get my lunch and return to my office to continue executing on my tasks; go down to the coffee station around 2:45 pm for another round and then the bathroom at 4; and finally sometime between 5:30 and 7 pm I leave — walking down the stairwell from my 3rd floor office, out the door and across the laneway to my waiting car on the 1st subfloor of the parking garage.
That was my ideal day. I lived that life for around 8 years at a large software company, and except for not being paid market rates I was happy. My colleagues liked me and my manager valued me.
Often that day suffered interruptions — people wanting to talk, get my thoughts on design and architecture. I was ok with that — I recognized the added value my thoughts and opinions provided to my performance reviews, and it was personally rewarding that someone deemed me to be enough of a “thought leader” to solicit my input.
Then came a day that changed everything.
The symptom
It is said that “work/life satisfaction” is built on a tripod of how a person views their situation.
(pardon the artwork — I couldn’t find anything stock so I created it myself)
A person is happiest in their job when the balance of the three vertices in the triangle above is in balance — they are then in the center of the triangle and for most, life is peachy. They are not looking to find a new job since they get everything they need in proper proportion from what they have.
A person is satisfied in their life when the proportions of the factors above put them somewhere inside the triangle but sufficiently far from any one vertex as to self justify keeping in that role. (e.g.: I am respected (personal reward) and work reasonable hours (work/life balance) such that I can spend time with my family, the pay isn’t great but sufficient for our needs). In the example I gave, which I discovered was my situation, up until one day I was satisfied that I was happy where I was.
Then “the day” — fresh new college hire, who I had been doing 75% of his work for him, being his mentor, had no filters. He started blabbing in a meeting room our team were in, waiting for our manager to arrive, that he is “living the life”. 24 years old, making $$$/yr and enjoying the life.
I was three ladder levels higher in seniority than him, having worked for The Company for 7 years at that point, doing my work plus the extra helping him cost me in terms of work/life balance, and I made literally $300 more in salary per year than he did.
You do the reflection at that point.
And after a talk with your manager, you recognize that you are not being as valued as you thought you were.
And you are seeing a net imbalance in your work/life time allocation.
And lets not talk compensation.
That leaves scenario #3 — you are far from satisfied.
Treating the symptom
You need a new job.
One that pays better.
One that requires you to take an active leadership role.
One that now means you’re managing other people’s tasks.
The introvert in me is screaming “NOOOO” as I start to ponder and revisit my review feedback from past managers good and bad.
The unfortunate conclusion at the time was I needed to change my career ladder — go back to managing others’ and leading projects. Which at the time was completely antithetical to where my strengths were.
So for the next 17 years, I fit myself into a shape which wasn’t my natural one to varying degrees of success.
We’re all capable of doing something that isn’t our natural state of being. Truth is I have had this ability to bring people along, to lead them, grow them and “herd the cats” as one expression is used. I had been a head of production at my college campus radio station and at a community channel television station — teaching and leading people who wanted to play and turn them into a productive group/team. Being well liked and treating people well tends to get you a loyal group of people who are willing to do things for you.
I even learned about leadership from others — learning that people will follow someone for whom there is no job beneath them if it makes the team successful. Or providing opportunity and visibility for those who are looking for the chance to grow. Just like me, those people will become loyal to the team and their job, and find that their satisfaction is sufficiently high as to make them happy.
But there are company cultures where the successful feed off of their dead.
And I have found, more often than not, that this is the prevalent culture in this world.
Actually finding the cure
And so ends my latest stint — leaving the environment where I reported to a narcissistic manager who cared more about how his superiors thought of him than in the development and support of his reports.
I should have seen this months ago, when after 5 weeks he asked me if I had met with all the executives of the company from the list he provided to me.
Yes, of course I had met with 90% of the list of 35 people. Some key C-suite people in there as well.
Instead of asking me what I thought of anyone, and maybe who to be more guarded around, he asked me “Did they say anything about me? What do they think of me?”
Nothing screams toxic culture more than someone worried about how the people in charge think of them. When it’s your manager, its screams 10x louder. But given the employment environment of 2023, and daily news of 15–20% layoffs at stable companies, you need to ignore and maybe even consider managing up and mentoring your manager.
Do your job mentoring, growing and supporting your people, and the chorus of those you helped will be singing your praises to those higher than you in the food chain. And you will be rewarded.
In the months since, as I followed my own italicized path, the disconnect grew between my manager and I — and eventually it broke.
Which leaves me to revisit my choices of many years past. I have been successful on this path and have a large number of endorsements, referrals and recommendations that provide me with proof positive of this.
But am I truly happy?
I posted a poll on LinkedIn asking the question “Do you look at where you’re at in your career today and think that you were happier and more fulfilled in a past role?”
5 responses.
All “no”.
Am I the only one who is asking myself this question, or am I someone who is simply voicing out loud the unthinkable?
There were 383 impressions since I posted this two days ago. So people are reading it, but do they not have an opinion? Are they afraid to ask themselves this question out of fear that they will find out they are actually not happy doing what they’re doing today? Or is it simply that they are happy with the compensation they get and the credibility of the role and title that comes with it?
Is anyone truly honest with themselves?
I am asking myself this question and digging deeply into myself to determine the answer. I confess being someone who is driving skilled people to accomplish oftentimes great things is very satisfying when the accomplishments are achieved and we celebrate as a group.
But I also just want to drop the ceremony, roll up my sleeves and write the code or configure the system and get the damn thing done.
When the team is behind and no one wants to jump into the pit of asps — I jump in and do it, even if it’s not in my job description there is nothing that is more personally affirming than to focus on the goal and do what is needed. And who knows, if I jump in maybe others will jump in with me and we can get it done cooperatively and collaboratively, and do it better.
I live a simple existence where office politics has no place in my psyche. I help people where I can to perform at their best and provide them with the visibility and praise they deserve when they do. I support the team and keep focus on the target trying to make everyone around me better.
Maybe its time I go back to being a software developer and living in a cave, scheduling my time and living in the stack with code running in my head. I can do that and find myself in a place where I can potentially control my own destiny and be the center of the triangle again.
Even though I have written myself a compelling argument to go back to a simpler role, it truly is a question at this point that I have no answer for. My value for an employer is in my experience and my ability to bring calm to chaos, not in how I implement an optimized unordered_map in C++ to assist in faster execution of polar to cartesian conversions.
My value is in facilitating discussion and driving solutions — that is what I enjoy. In driving progress and delivery of key initiatives.
Not in blowing smoke up my manager’s asshole telling them that they are the cat’s ass in the eyes of everyone above them.
I will say that I am doing some serious brushing up of my coding skills and the new technologies such as ML and AI. I have some work in development for noise cancellation that I think people will want based on how expensive headphones and cars with noise cancellation are. If I’m even 1% correct about the demand, it will be life changing for me and my family.
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